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Sunday, March 12th, 2006
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3:32 pm - The end.
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| Friday, March 10th, 2006
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4:37 pm - Christ, maybe I should just disappear for a while.
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Okay, the weirdest thing just happened. Today a parcel came in the mail addressed to my father, from someone without a return address who didn't know the unit number of my complex, only the main address with a questionmark beside it. When my father got home, I asked him to open it thinking that it was maybe my admissions package from McMaster or something (which wouldn't make sense, but I was just curious), and when he opened it, it was just a bunch of handouts printed off someone's computer. Articles about eating disorders, several of them, and the last page had a bunch of addresses and phone numbers of eating disorder clinics in the area, with a few highlighted. He didn't know who would have sent it, and neither do I. But it was disturbing all the same.
The only thing I can think, is that someone has been reading my LiveJournal and has somehow looked up personal information about me and decided to try and let my father know that I have some sort of "problem." Either that, or someone who vaguely knows my family has come to the conclusion that I have an eating disorder. The simplest conclusion would be that my doctor sent them to me, but that wouldn't make sense because (a. they would know my exact address and it would be addressed to me, and (b. these articles were printed off someone's personal computer. It's really unsettling all the same, and makes me realize how candid I'm being about all of this, and how sometimes I should just shut my mouth and deal with the issue directly instead of chronicling it all on a public medium like this where anyone can find me and decide to take my "problem" into their own hands.
I realize I have some issues I have to deal with, but that's just it -- these are my issues. I don't want other people to get involved, thinking that my parents don't know or aren't doing anything. They do know, and they are. I can handle this by myself, and my parents don't really need this extra worry. I want to know who would have sent them all of these handouts; they would tell me if they requested information from someone. I know they would -- when my mom got a book about dealing with eating disorders, she told me, and didn't try to hide it. So, if you're reading this and you decided to send my parents a fun little package to worry the hell out of them, e-mail me and let me know. And please, just appreciate the fact that I'm being so candid about all of this, and respect that instead of trying to take my issues into your own hands. My parents don't need any more stress than they have right now on their own.
current mood: weirded out
current music: Alanis Morissette - Mary Jane
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| Thursday, March 9th, 2006
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6:13 pm - Twelfth Night!
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DRAMA UPDATE!!
Well, as you kids have heard from Robynn, this year's production is Twelfth Night by Shakespeare. There was tons of competition because there are only three main female roles, and I think something like seven or eight male parts, and over sixty people auditioned (Mrs. H says it's our biggest turn-out in her history of teaching at the Woodlands). Anyways, cast list came up today, and from what I can remember -- Jason is Orsino, Robynn is VIOLA (congratulations hun), Helen Lee is Maria, I'm Olivia (wooooo), and I know Jonathan and Tyrone are in there somewhere but I only checked the board for a couple of seconds. If you know more, comment!
I was actually a little wary at first when I first saw my name (though I really wanted a part), because there was so much competition and I was a little afraid that people who didn't get parts would be like "ugh, she can't even act" or something. But I guess that's just more fuel to prove those bitches wrong. I've been in drama since my first week of high school, I've paid my dues, and I'm ready to help kick some major Shakespearean ass! ;)
Anyways, you can tell I'm really excited. You should all come out in May!
current mood: excited
current music: Deftones - Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away)
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| Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
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3:47 am - Update
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So I checked my e-mail tonight and it turns out McMaster gave me a conditional acceptance to humanities. Not bad, but not Ottawa either. We'll see what happens. :P
current mood: nurturing my inner insomniac
current music: Remy Zero - Fair
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| Monday, March 6th, 2006
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8:19 pm - Don't know how to say this, only thing I know is awkward silence.
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I'm going to be completely honest, because I've reached a point where there's nothing to hide behind anymore. Tonight, when I was getting ready to go out for coffee with a friend after job training, my dad saw my tattoo peeking out from above my beltline. Of course this turns into a huge confrontational outburst. "You have a problem," my dad says. My mom stands in the kitchen, listening, waiting for her turn to jump in. "First smoking, then the tattoo, then I find out from your mother you've been binging and purging?" I have nothing to say, because everything he says is true. My mom tells me she's going to take me to the doctor again; I went in December back when this issue first surfaced, but when my doctor sent me the referral to a clinic I ripped it up and threw it out. My dad gives me a look that says it all -- I don't know you anymore.
Maybe this is for the best; I'm not really sure. For the last few months I feel like I've been living two lives. There's the girl I am at school and at work, the girl who acts like a bitch because she thinks it makes her look strong, or the outspoken airhead who's trying oh-so-hard to make friends. Then I come home, and a completely different side comes out.
On Friday night, I called Luke because no one else would be awake at 2am and I felt like talking to an old friend. I could hear the noises of his dorm in the background, and I just felt this overwhelming loneliness. We small-talked for a bit, and he asked what was up, and I clear my throat and just say "I don't know, I just feel really lonely," and out of nowhere it felt like this cork that's been storing everything in for the last few months just burst and I couldn't stop crying. And since then, I've been waiting for the big confrontation that will make me face everything that's been happening, and the harm I've been inflicting on myself and the people who care about me. I guess that happened tonight.
Maybe this is a good thing. I guess I was naive to think I was strong enough to deal with all of this myself. It's been overwhelming me for far too long, and it's only gotten worse. Finally I'll be able to confront these issues, and get myself on the right track again, and things will get better. They have to, right? It's time to put this burden onto someone else's hands for a while.
So I'm done.
I'm done with being my dad's fucking sounding board.
I'm done with the bulimia.
I'm done with all of it.
I just want to get better.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: Saves the Day - Freakish
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| Saturday, March 4th, 2006
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1:45 am - A few thoughts.
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I guess it's all about the little things.
Like how we were driving and despite everything I've said, I still miss you in this really subtle way. But it's okay because it just shows that I still care, and it's good to feel that for someone and know that you're still capable of having pure compassion for someone like that.
And like coming into work tired, only to have everyone burst into applause when you walk in, and having Russell put a lei around my neck and yell "congratulations to our employee of the month!" Feeling appreciated and like I really have a place somewhere for the first time in a really long time.
A lot of the time I feel pretty invisible. The past couple of months have been pretty lonely and isolating, and it's hard when sometimes you just feel like everything is out of your hands and your control. But there was something about tonight, that reminded me that there are places where I am actually needed, and my presence is actually recognized.
Just remember, this isn't all there is. Things may seem lonely and hard to bear now, but the next six months is going to bring you a world of change. Just hold on and wait for it. It will come soon enough.
You just wish you didn't have to feel so lonely all the time.
current mood: tired
current music: silence
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| Sunday, February 26th, 2006
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9:43 am - What I really want to know, what I really want to say...
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The most interesting things that happen to me occur outside of school. I didn't go to semi-formal, because I went in grades ten and eleven (when there were people to see and enjoy something like that with), and this year is only really about graduating and getting out. Lunches are spent with Paul, Jason and Tim, or at Westdale with Jamie and Daniel, or at Bradley's with Amanda. Second semester started off on a pretty shitty note; I was still in slacker/vacation mode and didn't go to most of my classes (except for philosophy) for the first couple of weeks. I'm getting back into the swing of things though, and am entertaining the thought of possibly coming back for another semester. More about that later, though.
Work: Still working every weekend, and trying to maintain some sort of social life in-between. I had my six-month review (a month late) last night, and Russell gave me a 20 cent raise, and said that the only thing now that's keeping me from getting promoted to Crew Trainer is that "a few managers" say that I get a little cranky and am difficult to deal with during closing shifts. I know already that all the managers like me, and Barbara's the one who's bitching. And she's one to talk -- she'll leave me for an hour with both window and drive-thru to handle, saying she's going out for a smoke and then she'll bitch when I tell her she can't expect me to handle floor and drive-thru all by myself. I'm fine with authority and taking orders, as long as they don't abuse their authority. Barbara does shit for most of her shift, and yet she gets pissed when I'm not working to her standards. So, fuck her. (But maybe I'm being too harsh. I just really want to get promoted.)
School: I haven't missed a class since last Monday, and don't plan to miss another at least until March break. I've been coming to the conclusion that my chances are pretty slim of getting into Carleton; I doubt an 82-84 average will be at their standards, considering they only let in about 5-10% of those who apply. I'm wondering though if the fact that I live so far away and obviously will be in residence will make a difference to them though, when it comes to accepting me; I mean, I am giving their university more money. Maybe they have a certain quota for long-distance acceptances. Does anyone know if this is true? So, chances are I'll at least get accepted into Ottawa, and can leave home forever and immerse myself in school and new surroundings and never talk to my mother again. :P Here's to hoping.
Things family-wise, to say the least, have been better. Mom and I got into a huge fight on Friday night, and it ended with her striking me across the face, me slapping her back and screaming at her to never fucking touch me again, and getting out of the car and walking home from work at 1am. Dad found out about it, and just shook his head. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't want to be a shit-disturber, but I honestly will not stop until he separates from her. He's not happy, and yet he's content with just turning his head the other way. He deserves so much better, and I hate how my entire family can just turn their heads when the credit people call because she's not paying her bills, or when she leaves for two days and comes back with Tim Hortons like she's been gone for two hours instead of two nights. I'm done. I just wish my father felt the same.
Anyways. So I'm thinking, if I don't get into Carleton, and get promoted to Crew Trainer before summer, I'll probably come back for another semester and try to bring my average up to above an 85, and work and then try applying again next January. I hate the idea of coming back for another year, and living at home for another year, but if that's what it comes down to then I'm willing to make some sacrifices. It's too early to be thinking about this, anyways; we'll see what happens. And that's what's been going down as of late. I'll write later.
current mood: sick
current music: Sublime - Santeria
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| Monday, February 20th, 2006
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1:18 am - A poem when I should be sleeping.
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For so long, I'd tried to disappear
As I sank into the depths of irrational fears
"You look so good," you'd say as you leered
But you can't even see me; I'm not even here.
I thought being with you would open my eyes
to the world that bought into my clever disguise
I had nothing to lose; I was barely alive
So I swallowed your flattery, your beautiful lies.
"You're so gorgeous," you whispered, and I wanted you less
As your breath lingered on my cheek, you moved down to my chest
And I didn't see it coming, I have to confess
These things are never planned, and that's how you work best.
I know now why I stayed: you had nothing to prove
You wanted nothing in return, so I had little to lose
Except for my innocence, but what could I do?
I was searching for an answer you looked like you knew.
current mood: tired
current music: Brand New - Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis
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| Thursday, February 16th, 2006
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6:35 pm - My CD collection.
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Today, buses were cancelled, so no school. I went to the mall and got four CDs from HMV for $50 (2 for $25 sale), and that alone made me a very happy girl. I picked up the new Death Cab and City and Colour albums, along with Copeland and Deftones (Around the Fur). You can't go wrong with that price. You just can't.
So, I did something tonight that I've been meaning to do for a while now -- I made a list of the CDs I own. I'm almost up in the triple digits which is crazy, mind you a lot of these CDs I've owned since I was in like, fourth grade. Enjoy!
( My CD collection. )
current mood: bored
current music: Streetlight Manifesto - The Big Sleep
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| Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
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1:20 am - I'll follow you into the dark.
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I don't want you to come back. I've been doing so well without your influence around, ask anyone. I haven't done a drug of any sort in over two months. Things have been really, really good. And I'm afraid that if I see you regularly again, if you're always around, I'm going to lose that. I'm not as strong as I often give myself credit for. No one else has ever had that much of an impact on me, without knowing what they'd said or done, without that intention. You didn't know that when you wrapped your hand around my thigh and smiled and made a note about how thin I was, that was why I stopped eating. You didn't know that when you looked at me the way you did, when you told me I was beautiful, that was when I knew I was enough as long as I stayed that way.
I don't want you to come back. It's not you, it's me, but it doesn't make any difference anyways. I've been getting stronger, but it's not enough. And I hope your return is just some stupid rumour.
current mood: nervous
current music: Death Cab for Cutie - I'll follow you into the dark
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| Saturday, February 11th, 2006
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5:13 pm - On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
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When I reminisce over the last four years of high school, I divide certain times into phases: times where I lived for the future, times where I was nostalgic about how things used to be, and when I was living in the present because there was so much happening (most obviously the best times of all). For example, right now I'm living for graduation. I'm living for the idea of moving away from home, for getting into either Carleton or Ottawa to achieve this goal, and for meeting new people and being on my own. It's exciting, and great things are finally beginning to feel like they're within my grasp -- but I miss living for now, being excited about things that were going to happen tonight instead of half a year from now.
Unless something incredibly substantial happens before June, the pinnacle of high school for me was most definitely grade eleven. That was the year I came out of my shell, started taking risks and putting myself out there, and no longer felt the need to hide myself under massive insecurities and oversized sweaters. Liisa and I hung out every day, driving for hours at a time listening to great music and picking up people to go to random places and do completely random things (rollerskating, going to Lake Ontario, seeing movies). It was so amazing to have a best friend who you could be completely uncensored around, and you just KNEW that whenever you were around them fun things would naturally happen.
The end of grade eleven was the best. Working at Wonderland on the weekends, and sitting on that great big hill after my shift watching the sunrise and listening to Straylight Run and Saves the Day, waiting for my dad to make the trip to pick me up. Weekends with friends, drinking in dimly lit basements and in backyards, excited about different boys. Nights like Artsfest and the TBS/JEW concert, where my heart would skip a beat whenever a certain boy would look at me or reach to take my hand. It was new and exciting and I felt completely out of my element and yet completely okay with that. And then, in June, jumping on Liisa's trampoline, feeling like everything would be perfect as long as I could keep this group of friends, as long as I could keep this one boy interested in me, as long as I kept moving and refused to think about the idea of it all going away.
I miss the idea of a group of friends piled into a car with great music, or piled into a basement or in a backyard. I miss riding my bike through Meadowvale in the warm heat after drama rehearsals, listening to music that I knew would be a staple of this very period of my life. I miss getting dressed up for a party, knowing that great things were about to happen. I miss how carefree everything felt... I miss driving with Liisa to Gareth's or Paul's or Lawrence's or whoever else that was having people over, being excited about who would be there or what crazy stuff would go down.
It makes me happy to see the people around me enjoying their senior year, but I know for me, nothing will ever be able to top that one period of high school. That was my senior year, my liberation, and the time that I will go back to when my kids ask me what my high school experience was like. I'll never have a best friend quite like that again, and I'm pretty sure that no batch of experiences will ever feel quite as exciting and brand new as they did last spring.
current mood: nostalgic
current music: Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
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| Thursday, February 9th, 2006
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6:45 pm - TATTOO!
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So I got my tattoo. It put me back like $150 (two weeks of work, blaaah), but it was so worth it because it turned out great. Amanda, Jess and I went with Billy after school, and I got mine done first. Surprisingly I wasn't nervous, and I think I took it like a champ (I even have video footage of it getting done on my camera, courtesy of Jess. I'll send it to you if you're actually interested in seeing my grimacing face :P). I'm not gonna say it didn't hurt, the pain was equivalent to a bee stinging you over and over (the pain shot up and down my thighs and everything like some sort of painful orgasm, haha) but after about ten minutes I got used to it. It took about forty minutes to complete.
The most annoying part was there was an open window beside me leading out onto Dundas, and everyone who drove by would just stare. I wanted to scream "FUCK YOU, THIS HURTS!" and shake my fist but I kept my composure. Haha. I left when Amanda was in the middle of getting hers, and managed to take a few pictures of her scared little face. :P She was being a trooper about it though, so Amanda, if you're reading this I SALUTE YOU!! Haha.
Anyways, now to what you really want -- the pictures.
( Tattoo me up, Scotty! )
current mood: excited
current music: City and Colour - Save Your Scissors
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1:11 am - I'm gonna stay eighteen forever, so we can stay like this forever
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Well, here's a real entry for your reading pleasure, after several weeks of nothing. Life is pretty good. I came out of first semester with an average in the early 80s, which will hopefully be raised by midterm so I have a shot at Carleton. I've been thinking a lot about university, and how great it will be to meet new people, live on my own, and spend time away from my family. It's definitely something to look forward to. This semester I have philosophy, english, families and auto (I need a tech credit). It's looking to be a fun semester indeed.
McDonalds has pretty much destroyed any social life I once had. The only real shifts I get now are on the weekends; I close drive-thru virtually every Friday and Saturday night which involves working until 1:30 in the morning. It's okay, because at least I'm making money. Still, I really want to start looking for a new job, or at least transfer to a different McDonalds. But I'm too lazy, and the people I work with are pretty decent. So we'll see what happens.
I'm at a weight that three months ago I swore I would never be, but I know I'm healthy (128-130). I realize now just how sick I was then, and how distorted my image of myself truly was. I'm trying not to worry about my size anymore, because really, what difference does it make? Mind you, I tell myself this every time I gain weight, and I'm sure by now none of you buy it. Even talking about it shows that I'm not completely over my body image issues, and I probably won't be for a long time. But I'm working on being happy with myself the way I am now, the way I should be. And it seems to be working, at least for now.
I'm finally getting my tattoo tomorrow, with Amanda and Bradley. I'm getting a design on my lower back, and I'll be sure to post pictures as soon as I can. This is something I've wanted for a while, and I'm really excited. I'm still enjoying being single, and having no one to impress and nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I was talking to Stina tonight, and it made me realize just how great that truly is -- I mean, it's good to have friends around you to keep you grounded and remind you of who you are when you're feeling insecure, but really, you're the only one who can make the choice of how you choose to appear to others, what you're capable of and where you choose to take yourself in life. Of course it's good to be honest and stay true to who you are, and go with what feels right... but you're the one who's in control of your destiny, and no one else. I can honestly say that I know who I am, and right now I know where I stand and where I want to go in the future. I'm looking forward to getting the best marks possible, graduating and getting the hell out of Woodlands, having one last kickass summer before university (while working, of course), and then going off to start my life in university. I know what I want to do with my life, but I also know that I can change my mind and work with what's given to me.
More than anything though, I can't wait to be on my own. I'm beginning to really, really hate living at home. I love my mom, but I can't look at her without seeing this falseness, this complete dishonesty that disgusts me. If I look deeper I see the vulnerability and insecurity behind it, and I wish she'd just accept the fact that she's aging, and turn her eyes instead towards her husband and the things that will still be there when she's old and doesn't have her looks anymore. This sounds awful, but sometimes I wish my dad would find the strength and independence to leave her. Whenever he tells me that he's finally had enough, I cross my fingers and hope this time he'll actually go through with it (though I realize I'm being selfish), but I know he never will. I guess I'm going to have to live with the fact that though my parents may be together, they'll never really be together.
Still, I really wish she'd just be honest, for her own sake. To admit when she's wrong. To accept the fact that she's thirty-nine instead of twenty in her own mind. I realize now, that I can't remember the last time I saw them kiss or show any sign of affection towards each other. When I get married and have a family someday, I want my children to know that their parents are very much in love, and aren't with each other simply because they don't have the strength to find someone who will treat them better.
Well, that went off on a tangent pretty quick, haha. I guess that's what's been on my mind, among other things. Anyways, I'll be sure to post up those tattoo pictures as soon as I can. I hope you're all doing well. Take care.
current mood: thoughtful
current music: Brand New - Soco Amaretto Lime
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| Sunday, February 5th, 2006
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8:17 pm - Tagged by Jason
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Ground Rules: The first player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird personal habits" and people who get tagged need to write an LJ entry about their 5 quirky habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names.
1. I don't look people in the eye when I talk to them for more than three seconds. Without really noticing, I look around the room, pretending I see something actually worth looking at. I guess I'm just overly self-conscious or something.
2. If I smoke a cigarette while I'm stressed, I flick it like a beast. Sometimes I even put the cherry out with my crazy stress-flicking.
3. When I'm walking down the hall at school, I stare straight ahead of me and often don't notice the people that walk by me and wave. I just go into my own head.
4. As soon as I start a shift at work, just by habit I pour myself a child-sized Diet Coke and keep it by the till, because I'm a Diet Coke addict like that.
5. I noticed I really only check four websites online: Gmail, LiveJournal, Myspace and Google News. Very very rarely am I ever on another website.
Tagged: hello_im_tab, to_subsist, rainpaint, torricus, burning_string ;)
current mood: happy
current music: The Get Up Kids - Action Action
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| Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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5:45 pm - Wow, let's be proud of our Peel Police force!!
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From Peel Police officer faces charge - TheStar.com:
In the first known incident on June 8, Yeo is alleged to have called out to three Grade 7 students from his vehicle in a church parking lot adjacent to St. Elizabeth Seaton Public School, asking for directions to Erin Mills Town Centre.
The girls didn't approach the vehicle after he asked them to "come closer."
On June 23, it's alleged Yeo monitored the activities of three young girls on June 23 while he was driving his vehicle on Quill Cres. near Inlake Court, and followed one of the girls down a dead-end street.
I love how this is literally like two steps from my house. Considering how often I walk this exact area at night, from Tim or Lawrence's house or just going for a walk or whatever, I'm certainly feeling more than a little unsettled.
But I guess this is what happens when you live in Meadowvale, huh. =/
current mood: unsettled
current music: Brand New - Flying at Tree Level
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| Friday, January 6th, 2006
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11:20 am - RIP Kodi, 1996-2006
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What a shitty way to start off the morning. I wake up with a phone call from my mom, and she's crying. She said that this morning Kodi was hardly breathing, so she took him to the vet and they said he had a huge tumor in his stomach, and there was nothing they can do (and he's already pretty old), so they put him down. She asked if I wanted to be there when it happened and stuff, and both me and my brother said no.
I feel bad, but I feel worse knowing how my family (especially my dad) is going to take it. It sounds weird, but my dad reeeally loved my dog, like he was a second son to him or something. He's been a huge part of our family for the last ten years, and it's going to be really strange not having him around. But he's not in any pain anymore, so I guess in a way it's a good thing.
Rest in peace, buddy.
current mood: shitty
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| Thursday, January 5th, 2006
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1:04 pm - New Year's Resolutions
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NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS (effective January 9)
1. Stop drinking Diet Coke.
2. Quit smoking.
3. Save 50% of every paycheque I receive.
4. Eat healthier and develop healthier eating habits.
5. Make an effort to treat my parents better.
6. Make an effort to be more social.
So, those are my resolutions, and I absolutely intend to stick to them. This year, I want to be a healthier and more well-rounded person... someone who's actually fun to be around. I want to treat myself and the people I care about as well as I possibly can, and I want to be prepared for university (both financially and otherwise). In about a month or so I'll update this and let you know how I'm doing with these resolutions, because they WILL be followed!
I can feel the holidays coming to an end and it's a little depressing. I know that once I get back, I'll have three seminars due in the next week (my Chesapeake Bay seminar for WI, my ISU seminar for WC and my Iran/US seminar for WH), and after that it's exam studying 24/7. The holidays have been pretty relaxing for the most part though; I've managed to read three books throughout the last two weeks, and I've made over $300 just working. I realize that I bitch about work a lot, but I actually really enjoy working once I'm there. I find I'm a totally different person at work than I am with friends or at school. I can make jokes more easily, and I find I'm just a more fun and relaxed person. I just wish I could be that social at school... mind you, that's a resolution of mine, a resolution that I plan to stick to. Socially Inept Brittany is soooo 2005. :P
Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your holidays. Take care!
current mood: content
current music: Evanescence - October
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| Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
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9:25 pm - My paper journals
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| Monday, December 19th, 2005
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8:11 pm - HEY YOU, LET'S GO BOWLING.
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CALLING ALL UNI GRADUATES AND EVERYONE ELSE!!!
Now that you're home, we all have to get our asses together in one room.
Will, Lisa, Liisa, Katie, Atif, Jeff, ALL OF US -- WE ALL GOTTA GET TOGETHER THIS HOLIDAY!!!
I will make this happen so that we're all together. This has to happen.
I PROPOSE BOWLING. What days are good for you guys?
Anyways.
THINGS TO DO TONIGHT:
WH seminar thesis and research (apartheid)
WH Bismarck research and assignment
WI Chesapeake Bay research and assignment
WC ISU editing sheets
WC Print manuscript
I have three seminars to work on over the holidays. Too much wooooork! When this semester is over, I will be happy. Very very happy.
EDIT 2:48a: Oh man. Finally done homework. Off to bed. Exhaustingly accomplished. :P
current mood: full
current music: Video on Trial
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| Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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5:52 am - If love is a labour, I'll slave to the end.
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Things would be easier if I just knew how to act around girls my age. I miss having close female friends, and being able to hang out with people without getting stoned. Arguably this makes me less fun in the eyes of the people who I've called close friends lately, but I really don't care anymore and winter is making me nostalgic for the way things used to be. I miss having friends that are girls, and I miss not having to get stoned or drunk to have fun (because honestly, the last few times I've smoked up, they've hardly been fun at all). And there are some things I just can't talk about with guys.
I really want for Christmas vacation to get here. I think I mentally checked out of school about a week ago, since I found out my Writer's Craft mark has been sinking. I need vacation to work and get back the money I spent on gifts, and to start making a financial base for university. I need vacation to relax and rejuvenate so I'll be able to kick ass for the end of first semester, and secure some decent grades to put on my university transcript. Because, more than anything, I want to get out of here and start a life where I can immerse myself in school and meeting new people. That's one thing that keeps me pushing so hard -- the chance to get away and start anew in terms of friends. I haven't had a close female friend in so long, and it really sucks.
More than anything, I want to establish a better relationship with my parents before university. Things have been so fucked between us lately, for a variety of reasons. I've been shutting them out, and every time they try to come in I treat them like shit and it's not fair. So basically, this vacation, I want to get my head together and reestablish my priorities. Making new friends. Learning how to have fun without the help of a drug. Getting prepared for university both financially and academically. Laying down a decent foundation for 2006 - socially (both in terms of family and friends), academically, financially, and otherwise.
I had the right idea at the start of the school year. I just need to get back into that state of mind.
current mood: nostalgic
current music: Rise Against - Swing Life Away
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teflonheart's journal
